March 1st, 2020
Well, here we go! It’s been a while since I did something like this.
Since I was a kid, I enjoyed putting my thoughts down on paper. It has always been relatively easy for me. Not only easy, but it has been also bringing a warm feeling of happiness when I was just writing. Those thoughts on pieces of paper and Word documents on my computer have never been just diary notes. Actually, I have never had a diary. The majority of those “literary works” are raw and unfinished ideas, views, and stories filled with delight and sometimes pain. But as I got older, it became more difficult to lay everything out of my head. The life became more complex and harder to grasp. Despite the fact that I am only 21 years old, my experience and where I come from added a lot of stuff to my plate. I am still learning how to live as a valuable human in society. I am more than ever eager to face new challenges and grab new opportunities by their tails. As of now, my main goal is to be a better version of myself. But in the end, you know how it is, right? The older you get, the more information you have to process. As you progress in your life, you need to think about multiple things at once, and it can be very overwhelming. Nonetheless, I know that it is not a lonely path, and nobody truly knows how to live this life correctly. And is there such thing as “proper life”?
My life journey began in Russia. Elementary school and kindergarten were fun and effortless. Then middle school came around where you start to barely understand the world around you. High school was the scariest of them all; this is when most people (at least, those that I know) started going through some rough patches of their lives. College… College was something else, well, at least for me it was. The first three steps I finished in another country, so moving to Canada at the age of 17 and immediately going to college affected me in different ways. On top of that, since I started moving forward, it felt weird. After my first year of college I finally realized that everything I had been doing up until that point wasn’t for me. I didn’t choose a business bachelors degree because I liked it, I didn’t hang out with people that I enjoyed talking to. This was the moment when all hell broke loose. It was the breakpoint of my life, and, unfortunately, not a positive one.
After the first year of college was complete, I made a lot of poor decisions. They still haunt me to this day. Although they only haunt me in my head, it is very difficult to do everyday things sometimes. Those demons of the forbidden past never disappear, and I doubt they ever will. But I don’t regret the mistakes I made in the past. In the end of the day, they got me this far, right? If I didn’t stay in my business program and moved onto a different one, I would have never gained the knowledge about the world that I have now. If I didn’t leave an abusive relationship, I would have never met the love of my life that I am now engaged to. If those other tiny mistakes didn’t happen, I would have never been… Well, me.
There is no perfect you. There is no complete you. There is no flawless you. None of those You’s will ever exist. It kinda sucks, but it is what it is.
These words run through my head every day because I am still trying to catch the ultimate me that has no imperfections. These words help me to remember that every person on this planet is beautiful because they aren’t perfect, complete, or flawless. Everybody makes mistakes, it’s just a matter of whether or not they learn from them. This is what the true beauty of this world is. This is what makes us, humans, truly unique.
Nonetheless, I am happier now, much happier. I am finally learning coding, the passion I have always had, and by pursuing it, I met new people that share the enthusiasms I have for web development. I am finally getting the support I lacked for the past five years. My fiancé, family, and friends are always ready to back me up when I fall on hard times. However, I also have me. Strong, independent, and weird me. I am not scared anymore, my demons don’t frighten me. This is the time to shine; this is the time for me to stop chasing the ideal me.
So let us see what the future holds!